I’ve been feeling a sense of emptiness, the how, what and why unknown. An emptiness I’ve been trying to fill with nothing.
A wasteful act, I agree, as we all known nothing plus nothing equals nothing. But what can you do if you don’t know what you’re missing?
You try to find that missing puzzle piece, by any means necessary but I didn’t actually looked at the full picture. So I filled it with crap. I felt envy, envy of all the other people who have their shit together. People who have a vision and trying anything to achieve them. The people who I’d first mocked of being content of having no vision or passions or goals in life, I envy now. Cause they have found their bliss. What a little twat I was, thinking I know better than them but in the mean time doing nothing.
I procrastinated longer than that I’d like to admit, stuck in front of a proverbial fork on the road. Living in Purgatory not knowing which way I should go, feeling lost and alone. I had lost my way but instead of soldiering on, I sulked. Feeling sorry for myself, blaming everything and everyone except me, pathetic. There is nothing worse in life then self-pity.
I decided that enough is enough, no more fooling around. I need to face my demons, so I’d could try to fix that emptiness I have been feeling. All my life I had a guiding hand leading me towards my future, parents, siblings and to a certain degree teachers. But I didn’t see eye to eye with my guiding hands anymore, thinking I could handle the worlds on my own. I let go of that guiding hand and start drowning, cause the real world is fucking scary. And that’s when it hit me, I was scared. Scared to try to put myself out there, scared to work for my future and fail.
unconsciously fear started to rule me life, procrastinating became my vice. But like every recovering addict, I’d hit rock bottom, granted I never sucked dick for drugs. But hey, everybody has his own rock bottom right?
So what’s the next step? Soldiering the fuck on. No longer will fear rule my life and all the obstacles that I have to overcome, I will face them head on, one obstacle at a time. So I can find that missing puzzle piece.
I can’t predict the future, I might find the missing puzzle piece next week or maybe over a year. Either way I’m not lost anymore, I found my way. And when I squint my eyes, I can almost see my destination.